4/01/2005

Invasion of the Column Snatchers!

I'm being considered for a position as opinion-page editor for the student newspaper, the Commentator. I don't know whether I'll be chosen, of course, but it would be nice. I'm not sure if the poor guys at the Commie know what they'd be in for if I do get in...

Top Ten list of new topics for the opinion section:

10. Suggestion box for countries whose currencies need manipulating.

9. A continuing column on how public schools are secretly fronts for the International Communist Party.

8. Monthly shidduch candidates for Condi Rice.

7. Analyses of cool names like "Krauthammer."

6. The dollar should be pegged to the price of Prozac.

5. "Evil Dictator of the Week," with suggestions on how to assassinate him.

4. We need to invade Mexico to secure vital supplies of oil, cheap workers, and tequila.

3. Why everyone less religious than me is wrong.

2. Why everyone more religious than me is wrong.

1. Guns!! Guns!! Guns!!

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And remember to check back on Sunday for this week's installment of Hevel Havalim. It's not too late to submit your own pieces, so let me know if you have written anything particularly good in the past week. Shabbat shalom!

2 comments:

Karen Codman said...

How about "everyone other than me is wrong"? a la the LA Times "News Coverage"

muse said...

Does the commie have an archives from the very late '60's? If so, please let me know, and I'll tell you which edition to look for.